Chasing A Setting Sun

Many of my friends know that for a long time, I've struggled with having a clear, affirmed religious identity. I've always had questions that I never sought answers for, while continually maintaining a widely-varied friend base to offer me an assortment of opinions. Due to this, it's been difficult to establish, within myself, a clear view of what I believe in to be true, in relation to the source of morality and good nature.

In December of 2011, I wrote an article describing why it was difficult for me to call myself a Christian. Since that time, I decided (on a whim) to attend church one Sunday, in the company of close friends. Though it was through coincidence or not, the sermon that the pastor gave inadvertently answered all the questions I had warring within my thoughts previous to that morning. I'm not selfish enough to believe that the pastor was sending this message directly to me, but my spirits were lifted in that he had helped me understand that my fears concerning a religious identity were unfounded.

Before that day, my hesitation in calling myself a Christian, outside of being affiliated with media-exposed religious fanatics like Fred Phelps, was that I didn't want to adopt a guilt-reward mentality toward moral mistakes that I made. I didn't want to be guilted into prayer because I'd accidentally offended someone or felt a selfish emotion. The pastor spoke against this behavior, however, and explained that everyone makes mistakes, and just because you make them, you shouldn't let it drive you into deep feelings of regret after continually being imperfect. Humans are in nature imperfect, and to keep feeling guilty because of small mistakes is self-defeating and not the way you should practice a healthy faith.

This was a lesson that I -needed- to hear from a pastor. A long time ago, when I regularly attended church and called myself a Christian, what drove me away from the religion was that I felt a constant need to be perfect, and saw every mistake that I made as an offense to God. I affirmed that there was no way I could keep acting outside of the Bible's teachings, and continue to call myself a Christian. In my defense, I hadn't been given a clear understanding or interpretation of what exactly was right and wrong, in accordance to the Bible. One person would say "follow the whole thing", while others would say "just read the New Testament". The back and forth, opposing opinions did nothing but confuse me.

I consequently had a brief time of soul-searching. I continued to act in ways that I thought were right, and became offended by anyone who told me that I was "acting like a Christian", or that I was a "goody-two-shoes" simply because I tried to be friendly and see good in most people around me. I continued to believe in God as I still do to this day, but I developed a selfish mentality that I was a good person, and I didn't need anyone's approval to reaffirm that the things I did were good in nature.

The truth is that yes, I mostly try to act out of kindness and emulate the recorded teachings of Jesus Christ. I try not to judge my neighbor, I try not to be envious, selfish, or greedy. I often pass up opportunities that could benefit me, so that someone less fortunate might receive it instead. But at some point during my soul searching, I developed a sense of entitlement. I started having the attitude that I didn't have to be nice to everyone, because I was good enough of a person that I didn't have to act like one all the time.

For months, I'd been trying to get into school. I'd finished a rehabilitation program to pay off debt that I owed the federal government, and also began making payments toward a university I had attended a few years ago. I started getting confronted with financial and procedural roadblocks, however, and it didn't seem like I was going to make it into school this semester. I was making phone calls, sending faxes, paying visits to the local community college; trying to do everything I could to make it in time for registration. The roadblocks kept appearing.

The last hurdle I had, was that a specific person at the college was supposed to contact the commission that was handling my debt, and receive confirmation that I was clear for financial aid. I was put on a waiting list, however, and was told that I would be contacted when this person had made time to place a simple phone call and receive this confirmation. I was outraged. I couldn't believe that someone didn't even have the time to make a phone call for me, considering my situation.

I opened at my workplace the following morning, and the frustration was still in my mind. My coworkers noted my sour mood and tried to offer me reassurance, but I was upset. When my first customer came through my line, he made simple small talk with me, as customers sometimes do. He asked if I was going to school yet, and I (out of my frustration) tersely explained my situation. The man, to my utter surprise, identified himself as the individual who was handling my financial aid problem. He asked me to explain the situation to him, and after I stopped gaping in shock, I told him what the problem was and how much time I had. With literally a smile and a firm handshake, the man told me he'd handle everything, and by the time I was on my lunch break, I was cleared to register for classes.

I sometimes think of things as coincidences. I want my iPod to play a specific song when it's on shuffle, and it queues up at random. I'm stuck at an airport, waiting to hear if a seat is available for me, and they call my name. I'm dirt broke, and I find a $20 bill on the ground, and there is not even a gust of wind. Even with large, life-altering occurrences, I sometimes take them for granted. I have two close friends that have single-handedly taught me how to be a responsible adult, and have been vigilant at keeping me in check while being the best friends anyone could ask for. I have a father who always offers me the best advice, and would not think twice to travel a thousand miles to help me if I was in trouble. I have a mother, who although is still dealing with debt of her own, manages to still keep me on my feet when I slip up.

This man, who was my sole link to being able to go to school again after six years, was no coincidence. I didn't just get lucky. Life has been too good at being there for me when I I'm in trouble, for it to just be good fortune.

I've since realized that it takes more than doing nice things for people to be a good person. You have to feel that there is a reason for being a kind person. That there's a reason to strive to be a force of good, even if your impact is small and you make frequent mistakes. It took me going to a church sermon, at twenty-four years-old, to realize that I'm not going to be judged for the simple mistakes that I make, and that as long as I understand that the good things I'm doing are for a purpose, I don't need to live my life to someone else's expectations. I don't -need- to go to church to be a good person, nor do I need to constantly apologize for the mistakes I make, however large or small they be.

I believe that there is a force of good in the world, however corny that seems. I believe that someone is looking out for me. I know that I'll never truly know who that is until the day that I die, but the feelings are there, and they're too prominent for me to define them as coincidences or fortune.

Up until recently, I've been chasing a setting sun. I've been trying to grasp at something that may be just out of my reach, but also something that isn't leaving me for good. The sun will still rise tomorrow, and I'll get another chance to be the force of good that I want to be. That isn't to say that I will condone complacency, but that even if I don't save someone's life today, I can still do things to help people and remember that I've still got opportunity to achieve everything that I want to.

Consequently, I feel like I'm finally alright with calling myself a Christian. I believe in the good things the Jesus Christ taught people, that were eventually passed onto me through my influences. This doesn't change a thing about me other than that I will feel like I have a purpose again, which is something I've been without for some time. I'll quit ranting now, but I really needed to get this down into writing, and I hope everyone understands where I'm coming from.