True Colors

Yesterday afternoon, GQ magazine released an article for their upcoming January 2014 issue titled, "What the Duck?". The article contained a personal interview between one of the magazine's correspondents and Phil Robertson of the hit series, Duck Dynasty. By now, a good chunk of the virtual world has probably read that Mr. Robertson has been suspended from the show, due to the anti-homosexual content of some of the comments he made within the interview. An unfortunate outcome, for a number of reasons, but as a self-proclaimed Christian, I feel like this event brings to light something that has needed to be discussed by the Christian nation.

Taken directly from the article itself, this is the excerpt which caused the suspension:

“Everything is blurred on what’s right and what’s wrong,” he says. “Sin becomes fine.” 

What, in your mind, is sinful? 

“Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men,” he says. Then he paraphrases Corinthians: “Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers—they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

For those of you not familiar with the Bible enough to know which verse that Phil Robertson is paraphrasing, it's from Corinthians 6:9-10:

Corinthians 6:9-10
New International Version (NIV)
9 Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.

Now, before we go any further, please do not make the mistake of immediately agreeing with this man simply because he proclaims to be Christian, or because he has publicly given genuine wisdom in the past. No one person, celebrity or not, is guiltless or flawless. The same should be said even for people who claim to be Christian. Just because some people accept the words of Jesus Christ into their lives, does not mean that they are a good person. You have to practice what you preach. You can read the Bible all day, and be a part of a church every week, but until you start showing a capacity for empathy and acting on it to help people, you've got a ways to go.

This is not to say that Phil Robertson isn't a good person. At the end of the interview, the correspondent wrote that Mr. Robertson would be engaging in a Bible study with a woman who'd recently been addicted to cocaine, and sought freedom from her past ways. An admirable use of his time, to solely help someone else without the promise of personal gain. All that I want is from you is to recognize that although Mr. Robertson may have a good heart, he is human, as we all are, and is liable to make misjudgments.

So, let's talk about this.

Corinthians. A letter written to the church of Corinth within Greece, by an apostle named Paul. Let's recognize, at first, that Paul was not one of the original Twelve Apostles, but someone who was converted later on. According to Acts 9:15-16, his conversion was authorized by Jesus so that he could spread Jesus' messages to the Christian nation. So, Paul was a bonafide apostle, which means that either he spoke directly from the voice of Jesus in his head, or Jesus trusted him enough to let him do his thing. Although there's some controversy over this account, we can safely assume that Paul was speaking on Jesus' behalf when he wrote the letter to Corinth.

According to Paul, who wrote the letter on Jesus Christ's behalf, homosexuals will not "inherit the earth", which is a fancy way of saying that they will not ascend to Heaven.

However, in Matthew 19:16-19, we can read Jesus's Sermon on the Mount (in person), where he specifically lists which of the original Ten Commandments that his followers should adhere to if they want to ascend to Heaven:

Matthew 19:16-19
New International Version (NIV)
16 Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”17 “Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”
18 “Which ones?” he inquired.Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, 19 honor your father and mother,’[a] and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't see anything in there about not being homosexual. So, we have at least one inconsistency that has allowed Christians to build a fence and divide themselves on this issue. (And let's not forget that simply believing in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ assures that you will ascend to Heaven.)

One thing I would like to bring up, is that in Matthew 5:5, Jesus states that those that are meek will inherit the earth. Now, I know that Jesus' definition of "meek" isn't Merriam-Webster's, but some places define it as humility, submissiveness, patience, and peacefulness. It's more than fair to say that most people, homosexual or not, fit into at least one of these character traits. Or perhaps I missed the news update about a rampaging homosexual army that's going town to town and throwing babies out of windows.

Let's be real for a moment. How many homosexual people are you friends with? Are any of them "good" people? Do they show a capacity for empathy? Do they help out or care for anyone or anything?

Your sexual orientation does not dictate your personality. It may affect your hormones and testosterone/estrogen levels, but it does not make you a good or bad person. Your actions do.

So let's really talk about this. Why do some Christians keep this up? Why, when we recognize our God as a just, yet loving god, do we believe that he would turn away someone simply because the person that they love happens to be of the same gender? Everything in life is subjective, even love. That's why we're not all one collective thought. We're different thoughts, in different brains, controlling different bodies. (Though I suppose a philosophy major could come in here and spit up all over that).

The point that I'm trying to make is that as Christians, it is not our right to judge. Even the Robertsons on Duck Dynasty recognize that:

“We never, ever judge someone on who’s going to heaven, hell. That’s the Almighty’s job. We just love ’em, give ’em the good news about Jesus—whether they’re homosexuals, drunks, terrorists. We let God sort ’em out later, you see what I’m saying?”

So what gives? Why, in this one instance, do you judge? Why will homosexuality lead to everything bad that can happen ever? And why do you list homosexuality and promiscuity as sins, when they aren't? And just for good measure, sex is only adultery when it fits the definition. So if you're sleeping with "this girl" and "that girl", but you're not married, you're not the worst sinner in the world. You're sexually active.

I've gabbed on enough. Let's talk. What do you think about this?

Chasing A Setting Sun

Many of my friends know that for a long time, I've struggled with having a clear, affirmed religious identity. I've always had questions that I never sought answers for, while continually maintaining a widely-varied friend base to offer me an assortment of opinions. Due to this, it's been difficult to establish, within myself, a clear view of what I believe in to be true, in relation to the source of morality and good nature.

In December of 2011, I wrote an article describing why it was difficult for me to call myself a Christian. Since that time, I decided (on a whim) to attend church one Sunday, in the company of close friends. Though it was through coincidence or not, the sermon that the pastor gave inadvertently answered all the questions I had warring within my thoughts previous to that morning. I'm not selfish enough to believe that the pastor was sending this message directly to me, but my spirits were lifted in that he had helped me understand that my fears concerning a religious identity were unfounded.

Before that day, my hesitation in calling myself a Christian, outside of being affiliated with media-exposed religious fanatics like Fred Phelps, was that I didn't want to adopt a guilt-reward mentality toward moral mistakes that I made. I didn't want to be guilted into prayer because I'd accidentally offended someone or felt a selfish emotion. The pastor spoke against this behavior, however, and explained that everyone makes mistakes, and just because you make them, you shouldn't let it drive you into deep feelings of regret after continually being imperfect. Humans are in nature imperfect, and to keep feeling guilty because of small mistakes is self-defeating and not the way you should practice a healthy faith.

This was a lesson that I -needed- to hear from a pastor. A long time ago, when I regularly attended church and called myself a Christian, what drove me away from the religion was that I felt a constant need to be perfect, and saw every mistake that I made as an offense to God. I affirmed that there was no way I could keep acting outside of the Bible's teachings, and continue to call myself a Christian. In my defense, I hadn't been given a clear understanding or interpretation of what exactly was right and wrong, in accordance to the Bible. One person would say "follow the whole thing", while others would say "just read the New Testament". The back and forth, opposing opinions did nothing but confuse me.

I consequently had a brief time of soul-searching. I continued to act in ways that I thought were right, and became offended by anyone who told me that I was "acting like a Christian", or that I was a "goody-two-shoes" simply because I tried to be friendly and see good in most people around me. I continued to believe in God as I still do to this day, but I developed a selfish mentality that I was a good person, and I didn't need anyone's approval to reaffirm that the things I did were good in nature.

The truth is that yes, I mostly try to act out of kindness and emulate the recorded teachings of Jesus Christ. I try not to judge my neighbor, I try not to be envious, selfish, or greedy. I often pass up opportunities that could benefit me, so that someone less fortunate might receive it instead. But at some point during my soul searching, I developed a sense of entitlement. I started having the attitude that I didn't have to be nice to everyone, because I was good enough of a person that I didn't have to act like one all the time.

For months, I'd been trying to get into school. I'd finished a rehabilitation program to pay off debt that I owed the federal government, and also began making payments toward a university I had attended a few years ago. I started getting confronted with financial and procedural roadblocks, however, and it didn't seem like I was going to make it into school this semester. I was making phone calls, sending faxes, paying visits to the local community college; trying to do everything I could to make it in time for registration. The roadblocks kept appearing.

The last hurdle I had, was that a specific person at the college was supposed to contact the commission that was handling my debt, and receive confirmation that I was clear for financial aid. I was put on a waiting list, however, and was told that I would be contacted when this person had made time to place a simple phone call and receive this confirmation. I was outraged. I couldn't believe that someone didn't even have the time to make a phone call for me, considering my situation.

I opened at my workplace the following morning, and the frustration was still in my mind. My coworkers noted my sour mood and tried to offer me reassurance, but I was upset. When my first customer came through my line, he made simple small talk with me, as customers sometimes do. He asked if I was going to school yet, and I (out of my frustration) tersely explained my situation. The man, to my utter surprise, identified himself as the individual who was handling my financial aid problem. He asked me to explain the situation to him, and after I stopped gaping in shock, I told him what the problem was and how much time I had. With literally a smile and a firm handshake, the man told me he'd handle everything, and by the time I was on my lunch break, I was cleared to register for classes.

I sometimes think of things as coincidences. I want my iPod to play a specific song when it's on shuffle, and it queues up at random. I'm stuck at an airport, waiting to hear if a seat is available for me, and they call my name. I'm dirt broke, and I find a $20 bill on the ground, and there is not even a gust of wind. Even with large, life-altering occurrences, I sometimes take them for granted. I have two close friends that have single-handedly taught me how to be a responsible adult, and have been vigilant at keeping me in check while being the best friends anyone could ask for. I have a father who always offers me the best advice, and would not think twice to travel a thousand miles to help me if I was in trouble. I have a mother, who although is still dealing with debt of her own, manages to still keep me on my feet when I slip up.

This man, who was my sole link to being able to go to school again after six years, was no coincidence. I didn't just get lucky. Life has been too good at being there for me when I I'm in trouble, for it to just be good fortune.

I've since realized that it takes more than doing nice things for people to be a good person. You have to feel that there is a reason for being a kind person. That there's a reason to strive to be a force of good, even if your impact is small and you make frequent mistakes. It took me going to a church sermon, at twenty-four years-old, to realize that I'm not going to be judged for the simple mistakes that I make, and that as long as I understand that the good things I'm doing are for a purpose, I don't need to live my life to someone else's expectations. I don't -need- to go to church to be a good person, nor do I need to constantly apologize for the mistakes I make, however large or small they be.

I believe that there is a force of good in the world, however corny that seems. I believe that someone is looking out for me. I know that I'll never truly know who that is until the day that I die, but the feelings are there, and they're too prominent for me to define them as coincidences or fortune.

Up until recently, I've been chasing a setting sun. I've been trying to grasp at something that may be just out of my reach, but also something that isn't leaving me for good. The sun will still rise tomorrow, and I'll get another chance to be the force of good that I want to be. That isn't to say that I will condone complacency, but that even if I don't save someone's life today, I can still do things to help people and remember that I've still got opportunity to achieve everything that I want to.

Consequently, I feel like I'm finally alright with calling myself a Christian. I believe in the good things the Jesus Christ taught people, that were eventually passed onto me through my influences. This doesn't change a thing about me other than that I will feel like I have a purpose again, which is something I've been without for some time. I'll quit ranting now, but I really needed to get this down into writing, and I hope everyone understands where I'm coming from.

Food, As An Experience

About four months ago, I visited my home state of Illinois, a state that I hadn't seen in about a year's worth of time. I was there to visit both sides of my separated family, and tried to plan things out so that I'd see each half for half of the time that I was visiting. It was kind of strange how I planned it, in retrospect. I stayed with my mother and sister for the first couple days in a suburb called Batavia, outside of Chicago. After that, I rode down to Springfield with my sister in her new, red car, and stayed with my father for a few days before I went back up to Chicago to see my mother again.

Now, I'm not one to brag (genuinely, at least), but my mother's father, my grandfather, is an exceptional cook. He and his wife travel the world and eat well, then share their experiences with the family through their cooking. Since I and my sister are out of my mother's house and she's had time to be free from motherly obligation, she's taken the time to work on her own culinary adventures. When I visited last June, I noticed that she'd started subscribing to a magazine called "Bon Appetit".

I know how marketing works, and I'm very aware of how photography will make or break an advertisement. The pictures in this magazine got me drooling before I even made it halfway in. Roasted meats, grated cheeses, a spattering of water upon fresh tomatoes. Everything looked amazing, and after subsisting on my own very plain, simple diet, I started to second guess myself. So I humored this magazine, and I read the recipes.

"You mean I don't have to have a grill?" I remember thinking. The ingredients were simple, and for a lot of their recipes, not too costly. Part of me wonders if, as children, most of us never wonder how our food is made because our lives are so simple. There's an excerpt from the movie "Fearless", that I believe is fairly relevant to this idea. In the movie, a Japanese martial artist (Tanaka) is discussing his passion of tea with a Chinese martial artist (Huo), and it goes something like this:

Tanaka: Mr. Huo, according to what you say, you don’t really know the nature of tea.
Huo : It’s not that I don’t know. I don’t really want to know. Because I don’t care about evaluating teas. Tea is tea.
Tanaka : But each tea has its own character and properties.
Huo : What is the purpose of grading? These many teas are grown in nature, all of them. Is there a discernible difference?
Tanaka : Yes, once you learn this, you can tell the difference between the teas.
Huo : What you say may be right, but the way I see it is, the tea doesn’t judge itself. It’s people that judge its grading. Different people choose different things. As for me, as far as I’m concerned, I just don’t want to make any choice.
Tanaka : Oh, is that so?
Huo : Drinking tea is a mood, really. If you are in a good mood, the grade of tea doesn’t matter.
Tanaka : I've never looked at it like that. I understand that there are many wushu fighting styles. Are you saying that no style is greater than another?
Huo : That’s what I’m saying.
Tanaka : If that is true, I want to ask you: If wushu does not differ in any way, why do we fight each other?
Huo : I believe for all the styles of wushu, there is no single one that is superior. All of those who practice different styles of wushu, they would naturally have a different level of skill. Through competition, we can discover ourselves.

Profound? Debatable. True? From my experience, I couldn't agree more, and I want to make the argument that this kind of philosophy could be true about food in general. I know that if I'm in a sour mood, I tend to eat my food quickly while my mind bothers with distraction. If I'm in a good mood, retrospectively, I might take the time to savor and enjoy what I've chosen to eat. However, Tanaka does have a point that food has taste, and with taste comes variety.

After I returned to my townhouse back here in Houston, I willed that I would stop eating the same meal every night (which consisted of baked chicken, mixed greens out of a can, and beer), and open my mind and try to learn how to cook with diversity. I started this journey by purchasing my first Bon Appetit magazine, and grazed over the recipes before I found a very simple one, that consisted of white fish with tomatoes and basil. I'm very happy to say that it was my first successful venture into cooking, and has become one of my "go to" meals since then.

But I didn't stop there. I've since subscribed to the magazine, and have cooked at least two things out of every issue I've received. My roommates and I have taken to a habit of visiting a farmer's market every Saturday morning, where the same cheerful woman sits under a canvas canopy, eager to sell her various produce and make light conversation with us. Keep in mind, this isn't the block-long farmer's market in San Fransisco, teeming with people as they scramble for the choicest of what they can reach. It's a very small setup, with one or two people actually getting payed for their work, which includes the former woman.

I want to say that I'd never thought I'd live this kind of lifestyle in Houston, Texas, but I love it. Getting up early, sipping coffee while we drive about twenty minutes to the "market", sharing a bit of dialogue with the familiar woman before leaving. Then, after that, taking what we buy and making it into a meal that will feed three people for two days. It's inspiring to me, and after our last meal, I'm happy to say that I'm enjoying this cooking thing, and I'm mostly making this post today to encourage other people to get into it. For the sake of inspiration, I've got a couple pictures below of what I and my roommates have cooked in the past few weeks, however, I don't want to seem like an egotistical yuppy, so I'll spare you the details. If you're curious, though, feel free to ask me via keystrokegraffiti@gmail.com! Bon appetit!

The Wounds of September

I was 13 years old, in a Tech class at Batavia Middle School, in Batavia, Illinois. We were making little electronic devices that used a 9-volt battery to power lights or make sounds. I remember our PA system came on and instructed all of the teachers to turn on their TVs, and all of us kids watched the second tower go down.

So few of us actually knew what was going on, myself included. We were a bit awestruck at watching the events unfold, and the whole school seemed to become quiet and contemplative for the rest of that day. For myself, it was a reality check. People can be insane, violent, and heartless. Even faced with those kind of facts, though, I became motivated to grow up and change the world for the better. I got into politics, and learned about protests. I found System of a Down. I learned a lot about the people who attacked us, and why they did it.

For me, the experience was more of a personal growth, and less of a surge of patriotism. However, knowing that I have two brothers that will have been to the Middle East because they -personally- want to help heal the wounds of terrorism, fills me with pride. The terrorist group attacked us out of bitterness and religious fanaticism, and we are helping their civilians see the lies that have been spread to them about us. We might be ruled by people of greed and selfishness, but we are not a nation of evil.

In my opinion, all religions have their failings. All of them have drawbacks. However, there is a stark irony that has stayed with me, about the attack in September, 2001. They claimed that we were an evil people, who suppressed their religion and caused them pain. As far as I know, however, I can't think of any instance where a group of Islamic missionaries have traveled to a third-world country to teach children and offer food and clothing to the poverty-stricken. I can think of plenty instances of Christians doing this, however. In fact, it's almost a staple of the religion to go out and help people where and when you can. I may disagree with Christianity myself, but the hypocrisy of the reasoning given behind Osama bin-Laden's funded attack on us is glaring.

I'm not saying that Islamic people aren't kind and helpful. I've seen plenty documentaries of Muslim doctors from the Middle East going to offer their aid to poverty-stricken areas, to help out with HIV vaccinations and other similar forms of aid. It's not them that I'm talking about, it's the religiously-fanatic terrorists that claim our people are evil.

In conclusion, after September eleventh, I never feared a terrorist ever again. I saw their cowardice, and their weakness. I saw that they were acting like children who just wanted to blame someone and cause them pain, because it made them feel better. I, as the son of my mother and father, who happens to have been born in America, am a better person than that. And you are too.

Writing Blues

So, for the past four months, following my victorious attempt at NaNoWriMo, I've been unable to focus my mind on my writing and continue to work on my "talent". In December, I looked back over the story I'd been hashing away at for the past thirty days, only to realize that I had misinterpreted the meaning behind the contest. As many NaNo veterans would tell you, trying to blitz your way into a noteworthy, block-busting novel in thirty days is pretty rare (possible, but rare), and will most likely end up as something that you'll have to continue spamming away at into the next year.

My personal failing with my novel was that I didn't plan it appropriately, even considering the literal -days- of research I put into it. I had also come to understand, afterward, that this novel that I'd been writing, even though I'd poured so much time into it, was not the story that I've been wanting to tell since I started writing creatively. Don't get me wrong, I'm really interested in World War II and I'd be ecstatic to be able to interview a veteran from that era, but it isn't the story that I want to tell.

Sometime last week, I was randomly thrown a symphony that was originally created by the composer Tchaikovsky. What was given to me, was Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 6 in B Minor, as composed by Herbert von Karajan with the Berlin Philharmonic orchestra. Now, I've heard time and time again, that classical music inspires creativity in a way that modern music can't compare to, and from personal experience, I can wholeheartedly agree.

The symphony is a beautiful, thought-provoking, goosebumps-driven piece of music, but it was the finale, "Adagio Lamentoso", that helped my imagination to create the story I've been trying to tell. This particular story started, ironically, through the music I was listening to when I was about seventeen years old, almost seven years ago. At the time, I was listening to a lot darker stuff than I'd previously heard, mixed with religious and semi-religious undertones. It was, more specifically, a combination of Mudvayne, UnderOath, Oh, Sleeper, and As I Lay Dying.

I can't help but think that most intellectuals would look down on me for being inspired by that sort of music, but it created a story, for me. I had to nurture this story with my imagination, which manifested itself into my life in various ways, from studying current events on social justice, to role-playing a character on a video game. It took a lot of time for me to get my main character down, but once I did, and once I saw how people reacted to them, it became clear that this was something people wanted to care about.

The tragic hero has always been something that I've emotionally connected to. Someone who has burning passions and is constantly fighting to achieve them, though their effort is mostly in vain. It's something about stubborn, ardent passion through adversity that just clicks with me, and the stories that embody that description are the ones that end up sticking with me the longest. I don't know whether or not the finale in Symphony No. 6 was meant to be a requiem, but the sadness that is invoked near the end of the piece created an image so vivid in my head, that it solidified this character that I've been slowly creating.

In consequence, I'm happy to say that I've finally got the novel idea that I want to write. It's taking a lot of time to figure out my universe, but at least I know that this is something I'll be able to focus on and enjoy. Special thanks to the guy that happened to show me Tchaikovsky's No. 6, you know who you are, brah.

And lo, the music did play, and it was good

If you didn't watch the Grammy Awards this year, don't worry, because you didn't miss much. What you did miss was another award show that looks and feels like yet another glorified circle-jerk for the tried and popular. The thing that upsets me the most, is the complete lack of effort on the nominee selection process. In case you didn't know, the nominees are chosen by the collective effort of one-hundred and fifty people who are described as "leading experts in the industry".

If you ask me, these guys aren't trying hard enough. Throwing up "Coldplay" and "Kings of Leon" in the rock category is not only bad joke, it's an insult to the genre. Either these experts were given a list of names to choose from, or they Googled "popular bands of 2011" and pinned the tail on the donkey five or six times per award. If you don't believe me, here's a list of band that oozed with talent last year, who were utterly left out of last night's ceremony:

-Evanescence (Rock)
-Ha Ha Tonka (Rock)
-Common (Hip Hop)
-Protest The Hero (Rock)
-Talib Kweli (Hip Hop)
-The Roots (Hip Hop)
-Florence + The Machine (Pop)
-Thrice (Rock)

Granted, I personally enjoy listening to most of this list, but you have to at least give credit to positive reviews and exploding fan bases. I would argue that "Undun", The Roots' newest album, is the best they've recorded thus far (and I wouldn't be the only one), and they didn't even get a nomination.

If the "leading experts" and going to allow good talent to remain in the shadows, then a twenty-something from Illinois will at least try to light a candle. Stay tuned, people, and start getting outside of your boxes and digging for music.

My religion is -me-

I recently had a thought-provoking discussion with my roommates about faith, that motivated me to look a bit deeper inside my head to discover what I believe, and why I believe it. Let me say, from the get-go, that there are reasons why I don't call myself a Christian, but there are also reasons why I don't call myself an Agnostic. There are reasons why I'm not Buddhist or Taoist, and others still as to why I don't call myself an Atheist.

If you want the bittersweet summary of "why?", it's because I don't believe that I should have to categorize what I feel. I don't like being asked the question, "what are you?" Well, I'm human, firstly. I'm male, as well. I don't really have a racial identity, since my blood is mixed with a handful of nationalities. As far as what I am, in relation to religion? I can't answer that the way that you want me to. The best way for me to tell you, is that I have my own beliefs, and I don't really feel like sharing them with someone who categorizes faith into brand names.

Don't get me wrong, I am not some soulless individual who shies away from having a moral identity. I'm not a big fan of philosophy, but I respect it, and the lessons it can teach. I disagree with many teachings from religious individuals, but I don't shun them (unless they're Fred Phelps).

I once had a discussion with an old friend of mine about morals versus religion. I have always found it irritating that people associate good moral fortitude with religion, and at the time, I was passionate enough about the subject that it made me angry. Religion may define what is considered good and bad for the people who follow it, but I don't like the idea of someone believing that they have the power to tell me what is right and wrong.

This is the best definition for "moral", that I have been able to find:

"Founded on the fundamental principles of right conduct rather than on legalities, enactment, or custom: moral obligations."

While that's a bit of a textbook definition, perhaps a better way to describe the word, would be: the way that a human decides whether or not something emotionally feels right. As you can surmise, someone who thinks morally, would be the polar opposite of someone who thinks logically. A logical thinker is able to see a situation without any filter or flavoring, and can make a decision without subconsciously checking a moral code for the appropriate response.

Let it be said, that if I have only one good thing to say about myself, it's that I have no illusions as to who I am, and what made me into the person that I am today. I am not a logical thinker, and I highly envy those of my friends that are. If confronted with the lives of a mother and her child, I would not be able to choose which one would live, without consulting my emotional conscience. It is a burden to me, but I freely admit that I am a moral thinker.

I did not get my set of morals from a book, however. I got them from my family, friends, and sometimes even some of my school teachers. Although I may act as though I were Christian, or Buddhist, or otherwise, I don't follow their teachings. Most of what I have learned has come from my mother, my father, and both of their mothers (my grandmothers). I will not argue that what they taught me had its own influences, but it managed to get its way to me without coming from a congregation.

Do not misunderstand me, however, I will admit that certain people within religions are able to teach good habits to their listeners, whether with the aid of a book, or not. I almost want to say that if the Bible were written by Jesus himself, I would be a lot more inclined to read it. But it wasn't, unfortunately, and because of that, its messages are often twisted or misconstrued.

That is one reason why I do not call myself a Christian, or otherwise. It's because I do not wish to go into a room that is full of convinced people, and listen to someone explain their opinion on another person's opinion on another person's teachings, then feel guilty that I have not shared this perspective previously to that day. I harbor no ill will to the people who attend these meetings, but it isn't something that I want in my life.

Keep in mind that what I am about to write, is not intended to be insulting or offensive. I am describing myself to you, and I in no way believe that the way I live is the "right" way to live, or that I'm justified in describing the way that people are.

That being considered, another reason that I do not follow a religion, is because they appear to be self-defeating, to me. Guilt is enough of a punishment for not being a perfect person, so I feel like I shouldn't need to perform specific religious practices of atonement, or live my life according to someone else in order to feel like I'm being a good person. I don't need a spiritual reward to encourage me to follow my morals. Instead, I should try my best to follow the wisdom that I have gained from the people around me, and learn from my mistakes and from my misjudgments, then use that experience to strengthen my knowledge and turn my moral thinking into logical thinking.

I'm more than certain that I'd see a lot of hands raised, if I asked this next question to an open forum. How many of you know someone who identifies themselves as a Christian, but admits to performing at least one 'sin' on a daily basis? I know hundreds of these people, and I respect a good amount of them, but their situation confuses me. Why would you continue to identify with something that you repeatedly contradict, simply out of your own nature? For example, why would you tell me that you're a Christian, yet you regularly have sex with an unmarried partner? Following that, why would you then confess to me that you feel guilty that you are not following your religion's beliefs, then go and pray for forgiveness?

Why do you feel as though you need to repent for disobeying someone's teachings, that you "disobeyed" simply out of human behavior? These people owe nothing to anyone but themselves, and it pains me to think that they may not realize it. It seems like they are forever trapped in trying to attain an identity that isn't their own, and don't realize that it's futile. People can only be themselves, no matter how much they try to be like someone else.

I suppose that what I want my friends to understand from this (aside from getting a good look at my own narrow-minded psyche), is that I don't want to follow a religion because I don't want it to take away from who I am. I don't want to follow it, because I don't think it, as a brand name, could help be to be a better person. If you have advice you feel could help me, then tell me. Wisdom is as precious to me as life itself, and if there is something that I can learn from someone, be it a family member, friend, teacher, or otherwise, I'd rather have it fed to me raw, and unaltered. Without reservation. No hidden agendas. Void of subliminal opinion. You get the idea.

Anyway, that's enough of me rattling on for tonight. Thoughts, comments, feel free. My brain is yours to make fun of.

[Currently listening to: Oh, Sleeper - Son of the Morning]